| Part of the High School Chapter |
[Sep. 6th, 2006|12:47 am] |
It was dark that morning when I determined that I could no longer go to school. The darkness carried with it a sense of foreboding gloom, a gloom that suited my mood. I sat on the couch for 15 minutes, dreading the idea of suffering through another day. I was exhausted just from getting dressed and brushing my teeth. I remember my Mom telling me how nice I looked, but inside I felt like garbage.
For months, my mother had denied that I was unwell. We had lived as if I was an ordinary tenth grader and she was the mother of a healthy child. She insisted I attend high school. She wanted to believe that everything was still okay, this despite the fact that I spent most of my sophomore year sleeping on a cot in the school nurse’s office.
I did not mind missing pep-rallies, gym class, and school plays, but my frequent absences from school functions eventually became embarrassing. I covered my face while I slept on the nurse’s cot. I hated answering my friends’ questions about where I was during these events.
Once, while sitting at the lunch table, one of my friends humiliated me by asking why my eyes looked so yellow.
“Your eyes look really yellow. Do you have a liver disease or something?” he asked with a snicker.
“Um, yeah, actually I do,” I replied. I trailed off because I did not know what else to say.
Until my told his joke, no one had ever said anything about my eyes looking yellow. He meant no offense, but, given my condition, the wisecrack stung.
Since I did not want to recap my origin story for him, I could not explain my prognosis. Although he might express well-meaning sympathy, my friend would never understand. He had not faced down a life-threatening illness, and I lacked the narrative skill needed to convey to him an accurate sense of how that experience felt. |
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| Summer school = waste of time |
[Aug. 28th, 2006|01:57 pm] |
It has been awhile since I last posted b/c I've been working my ass off in summer school and trying to coordinate an internship with Children's Memorial Hospital.
Summer school was complete bullshit. I am in the midst of contesting a C I received in the 'Eradicating White Racism' Seminar. I did ALL the work, showed up everyday, and wrote amazing A+ papers. Now I have to meet with him sometime in September, listen to his nonsense about my grade, and then formally contest the grade by submitting shit to the dean.
On the bright side, I did get approval for an internship. I am going to be speaking to(and hopefully helping) pre/post liver transplant teens and parents and researching PTSD & its link to transplantation in THEIR medical library. It is going to be awesome. I've worked hard for 4 years just to reach this point. |
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| 5 years and counting... |
[Aug. 7th, 2006|05:11 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  uncomfortable | ] |
Yesterday was the 5 year anniversary of my liver transplant.
Basically, it was awful. I slept most of the day, had to say good-bye to my sister for the second time this month, got in an argument w/Oliver, made my Mom cry, and had dinner at a shitty diner at 10 p.m..
There was a surprise party for me on the 5th though. That was kinda' fun but I'm not sure if everyone knew the party was for me...It just felt awkward.
Or maybe it just feels awkward now because I found out that some shit I wrote about a few members in my Mom's family was circulated BEFORE the party. Things were taken out of context, feelings got hurt, etc..
As soon as I am able to I'm going to post the pictures from the comic convention. I met Janet from Three's Company and got harassed by a couple of nerds.
My future career is working at Children's Memorial Hospital. I was offered a job for after I graduate. I am going to do all the training now though and start talking to teenagers who are going through organ transplants. Everything that I have been working towards finally paid off. |
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| Riiiiiiiiight.... |
[Aug. 1st, 2006|11:39 pm] |
Self-absorption rules.
I'm getting buff.
Oh and Jay-Z is coming out with a new album! |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 30th, 2006|08:46 pm] |
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*improvement in progress* |
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| Stolen phone |
[Jul. 29th, 2006|11:09 pm] |
Yeah, so someone fucking stole my phone today. I left it on a table at the restaurant I was eating at with Oliver. We returned about an hour later and it was gone. We also called it and of course, it was shut off--it went straight to voicemail. The waiter said he only seated one couple after us and then singled out one of the bus boys. He didn't have the right to search that bus boy's shit, though. Since there was nothing else that we could do, we left the restaurant.
I called the police from Oliver's phone. We filed a report and the cop went in and talked to the manager. She was supposedly going to speak to the staff.
I'm going to get a new phone tomorrow--a less expensive one. I'll have the same number. |
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| Deleting My MySpace Account |
[Jul. 29th, 2006|12:14 am] |
I think it was the greatest decision I have made this year.
I was tired of checking to see who left me comments, only to be disappointed. I was tired of sending people emails, only to have them go unanswered. I was tired of leaving comments, suggesting we hang out, only to have that go politely ignored.
...and with MySpace you KNOW you're being ignored because you can read other people's comments to your 'friends'. You know who they hung out with the day before, even though they told you they could not. MySpace makes it very hard to get away with a blatant lie.
MySpace was doing way too much damage to my self esteem. I started to have doubts about myself.
"If they're hanging out with her/him, why aren't they hanging out with me? I guess because they don't want to..."
All that doesn't matter now. I'm moving on with my life. Why should I give a shit, anyway? My Dad always said that it is the other person's loss, not mine.
And as I start to really build my resume, network, and gain experience with helping sick kids, I'm finally starting to believe him. |
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| I love The Cure |
[Jul. 18th, 2006|03:22 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  calm | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | The Cure | ] |
I really like this song & I haven't heard it in a long time.
Break-ups are over for me!
I've been looking so long at these pictures of you
That I almost believe that they're real
I've been living so long with my pictures of you
That I almost believe that the pictures are
All I can feel
Remembering
You standing quiet in the rain
As I ran to your heart to be near
And we kissed as the sky fell in
Holding you close
How I always held close in your fear
Remembering
You running soft through the night
You were bigger and brighter and wider than snow
And screamed at the make-believe
Screamed at the sky
And you finally found all your courage
To let it all go
Remembering
You fallen into my arms
Crying for the death of your heart
You were stone white
So delicate
Lost in the cold
You were always so lost in the dark
Remembering
You how you used to be
Slow drowned
You were angels
So much more than everything
Hold for the last time then slip away quietly
Open my eyes
But I never see anything
If only I'd thought of the right words
I could have held on to your heart
If only I'd thought of the right words
I wouldn't be breaking apart
All my pictures of you
Looking so long at these pictures of you
But I never hold on to your heart
Looking so long for the words to be true
But always just breaking apart
My pictures of you
There was nothing in the world
That I ever wanted more
Than to feel you deep in my heart
There was nothing in the world
That I ever wanted more
Than to never feel the breaking apart
All my pictures of you |
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| friends? |
[Jul. 14th, 2006|12:57 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | crappy | ] |
I need new friends. |
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| This is relevant |
[Jul. 10th, 2006|10:23 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  angry | ] |
This article is extremely relevant to my life right now. There's nothing worse than a friend (male or female) ditching you for someone else. Also, my friend Adam and I discussed how ridiculous it is when a girl/boyfriend moves to #1 in someone's 'top eight' on MySpace after they've been dating for one month.
"Ever since I was a little girl, I have reveled in my female friendships. When the boys in class made fun of my lack of athletic ability or math skills, my girls would call them wieners and stick out their tongues at them. It was glorious. I thought these girls would be with me until the day I died. We would play together, gossip together, and be there for each other forever. Then I turned 22.
Apparently, 22 is the age when it became acceptable for a woman to dump her friends for her boyfriend.
We’ve all done it. We get into relationships swearing up and down that we would never be that girl — the one who would rather sit home and wait for her boyfriend to get off work on a Saturday night instead of going out with the ladies. But here I am, looking around and slowly realizing that all my friends are, well, gone.
For the first time in my life, I’m sitting at home and waiting by the phone for someone, anyone, to call. Hoping that someone’s boyfriend is out of town, or even better, that someone dumped her or his significant other. After three hours of blogging and staring at Myspace, I become desperate for real human interaction. I long for the days when my girlfriends and I would spend hours talking and drinking coffee at a shitty diner near my house, or the days when I could go out and sing karaoke with my friends without them being “embarrassed” of their fantastic ability to cover “Hit Me With Your Best Shot” in front of their man.
Everyone likes to say that we, as women, have come a long way over the years, and in some aspects we have. But when it comes to relationships, it could be 1955 and nothing would be any different. Why is it that women are willing to compromise so much (even their friends) for the sake of a relationship, but men rarely feel the need to change any of their ways?
“James cancelled on me tonight,” my roommate, Becky, told me recently. She and her boyfriend, James, had dinner plans. She ended up sitting at our apartment, all dressed up with no place to go.
“Well that’s shitty,” I said. “He just told you now?”
“Yeah, there’s some show his friends are all going to,” she said. “It sucks, but that’s how it is with guys.”
I seemed to be more bothered by the situation than she was. Why are we so willing to give up our plans, our obligations, our lives for a man? Why don’t our friendships matter as soon as we decide to be in love?
For the first time in years, I’m in a relationship founded on a mutual understanding that neither of us have the intention of dropping our friends or hobbies so we can spoon on a couch all day. Unfortunately, when we do get to hang out, I have found myself acting like a total cunt because unlike him, I no longer have other people to spend my time with.
I’m no angel, either. In the past I have let my life be consumed by my relationship and lost several friends in the process. Love can be intense and all-consuming. Sometimes, lying in bed all day with the one you love sounds better than anything else, and that’s OK. But one would hope that a relationship could survive a night apart once in a while.
I suppose there’s really not much I can do other than sit here, watch bad television, and fill out personal ads on Craigslist:
WF who enjoys feminist music and karaoke seeks new friends. Preferably single ones." |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 9th, 2006|10:28 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  nostalgic | ] |
This weekend was wonderful. My step-mom, Jan completely surprised me with a visit from someone extremely special.
She told me about 3 weeks ago to not make any plans for Friday, July 7th. Naturally, I just assumed it was something for my Dad's retirement party, like a clown or something similarly lame to embarrass him. I was supposed to get home no later than 4:00 to pick 'it' up. Unfortunately, I did not get home from Chicago until 4:15 so she left without me. My Dad picked me up from the train station instead and we met Jan at Beggar's Pizza. I wondered what the hell she could have gotten my Dad b/c she didn't have anything with her.
About 10 minutes later Mandy came in through the back entrance. My jaw dropped open and I immediately got out of my seat. I could not believe it--it was like seeing a ghost. I practically pushed my Dad out of the way to give her a hug. I don't think you realize how much you miss someone until you see them again.
Not surprisingly, we spent the whole weekend laughing and talking until 4 in the morning.
I wish she could have stayed longer but we dropped her off at the airport today.
We also hung out with Fran, Jean, and Ryan Ann for a little while on Friday. That was fun but I wish Jean wasn't so in love with me. It got really awkward there for awhile--especially when I caught her staring at my ass. I'm just not sure how to let her down gently.
In other news, I start volunteering on the 13th. I'm really excited! |
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| Laziness or Apathy? |
[Jul. 3rd, 2006|01:56 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  annoyed | ] |
I've come to the realization that if some of my friends really wanted to hang out with me, they would. It is that simple. They can make time for other people/places/things but not me? Very odd.
If they can't make the effort, neither can I.
My Dad always said, "you can't lose friends you don't have" |
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| "It smells like the 4th of July" |
[Jul. 2nd, 2006|10:29 pm] |
Despite the Sox losing (booo), I had a great day. At around 6 p.m. I rolled out of bed and went back to my Dad's. We played bean bags in the front lawn, ate a pizza and ice cream, and then sat in the back yard.
...and he just couldn't resist...
FIREWORKS.
Yes, yes, my Dad loves showing off his illegal fireworks collection. Neighbors that were a few houses down started to set off what my Dad called "mere child's-play". He said he wanted to "answer the call".
He got out the mortar. If you don't know what they are, well...imagine a professional fireworks show (but in a tiny backyard in the city--w/clothes lines, cable wires, etc.). How my Dad gets these I have no idea.
Just as he was about to set it off Jan whispered to me, "It scares the shit out of me when he's had a few to drink". I couldn't stop laughing--classic Dad.
After it exploded in the sky we could hear people clapping and cheering from yards away. I could tell he took pride in that.
It's going to be a great July.
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| I'm proud of my Ass |
[Jun. 30th, 2006|01:38 am] |
As Trina would say, "pull over that ass too fat"
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| The Sox |
[Jun. 28th, 2006|11:26 pm] |
Today marked another win for the Sox and the twelfth consecutive loss for PA. After we sweep them tomorrow night, it is on to the Cubs--and we ALL know what is going to happen during that series. Their terrible defeat will certainly bring an end to the marble-mouth known as Dusty Baker. As much as I love illiterate rich men, I'm tired hearing him speak. I want to take that tooth-pick and jab it into his fucking gums.
God, I really hate Cubs fans...They need to stop coming to our field and crowding it with white girls dressed in The North Face, designer jeans and over-sized sunglasses. Oh, and if they actually watched the game that would be nice too.
I watched the game with my Dad. We believe watching it on his T.V. in the garage makes them win. We had no hope until they tied it in the 7th inning. In case you missed it, they only won by one point.
I'm starting to think Uribe is under-rated.
Who are my favorite players you ask?
In no particular order: Thome, Uribe, Crede and Jenks. |
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| Meh... |
[Jun. 27th, 2006|11:51 pm] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | Home | ] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  optimistic | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Fish Tank noises | ] |
I'm really excited about volunteering at Children's Memorial Hospital. It always feels like I am wasting time in a classroom. Sure, I love to learn but I want to make a real difference--one besides giving DePaul more money.
...and maybe I'm being a bit too cocky but I feel I could counsel/relate to sick teenagers better than anyone--my experiences outweigh a even a Harvard degree. July 13th will be my start date. I am being placed in the 'Teen Lounge' where the kids get to play video games, listen to music, etc. Basically, all the shit I still love to do. I'm hoping to make tons of connections and segue nicely into the child life internship that I want.
In other news, I discovered an amazing ab work-out so I am pretty psyched. It burned the shit out of my muscles. Also, I got a call about a free X-Sport gym membership that I supposedly won. We'll see how that goes.
I want Gucci shoes and Chanel sunglasses. Donations encouraged.
The end. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 26th, 2006|10:29 pm] |
Today I went to my Dad's surprise retirement party. He has worked on the Illinois Tollway for 33 years--he was 19 when he started.
I picked my Grandma up at 10:00 A.M. and we drove all the way to his work. We sat in the lunch room and waited for him to go on break--he was walking past when he saw us. He got a really big smile on his face. I knew he never expected to see my Grandma there. I think this was her first visit.
We ate ribs, chicken, salad, macaroni and cheese and cake. My Dad danced to a rap song with one of his black co-workers and that was heee-lllllarrrrious. He was trying to keep up with her and follow her steps. At the end he was awarded with a retirement plaque and $150--that is how much they start with in their trays everyday.
It was really great to see how much his co-workers will miss him. I could tell he made work a lot of fun for everyone.
I hope the party made him happy because I felt really bad for him this morning. We talked for awhile about my Grandpa. My Dad said he didn't get any sleep because he is worried about him passing away. He said, "I only have 4 days left of work and my Dad might only have 4 days left to live".
...I didn't know how to respond. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 25th, 2006|11:28 pm] |
My weekend with Oliver.
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| My Day |
[Jun. 22nd, 2006|01:05 pm] |
7:25 A.M. Wake up. Brush teeth. Wash face. Run downstairs to get clothes. Run back up stairs. Get dressed. Throw random shit in my bag. Leave.
7:47 A.M. Run back into the house and grab my pills. Leave again.
8:09 A.M. Board train via Chicago. It is 9 minutes late.
8:30 A.M. Pray that the conductor doesn't notice the holes already punched in my ticket. He doesn't. I save $3.
8:45 A.M. Speed walk 4 blocks to catch the bus to Northwestern Hospital.
9:15 A.M. Arrive for appointment 20 minutes late.
9:30 A.M. Get blood pressure and temperature taken, get blood drawn, and get weighed.
9:50 A.M. Learn how to insert a needle into my skin and inject medicine called Procrit*. If all goes well, I won't be anemic for long.
* Side note--Bringing yourself to puncture your own skin with a needle is a lot harder than it looks. I was really scared and I wanted to withdraw it as soon as it went in.
10:35 A.M. Sneak into the Northwestern Med. School Library to check my e-mail/myspace. Catch a free shuttle to Children's Memorial Hospital. (Yes!)
11:15 A.M. Talk with 5k run/walk coordinator to find out if she ever received the money I dropped off at the hospital & to find out where my free bag is. She confirmed I was the 3rd highest individual fundraiser and took down my info. My bag and gift certificate should be arriving shortly.
11:45 A.M. Arrive at the DePaul gym. I lie and say I am taking summer classes right now. My work-out begins.
12:20 P.M. Go to the church across the street to pray.
12:50 P.M. Arrive at Richardson Library to write this. In a few minutes I will be taking a nap on the 4th floor. I'll be the one by the window spread out across two chairs.
At 3:00 I am going to Children's to see about volunteer opportunities for the summer. If she had me come all the way down here for nothing, I am going to be very upset. I could have been home at 1. |
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